eep
I’m not trying hard enough. I’m so stupid. I ate dinner, and I knew that I didn’t want to b/p, and I knew that I was full … but I just couldn’t stop …
idk, like I’m scared of the feeling I get after I eat, the anxiety, the unanswered questions in my mind - will I gain weight/will I binge later on/when will I eat again. Eating puts my mind at ease, it’s familiar, I know what’s going to happen, I don’t have to wonder about all those questions because by continuing to eat, I know the answer - binge and purge.
This doesn’t make any sense. Why can’t I just follow my bodily cues like regular people? Why is being full not enough to stop me from eating? It’s not even like I really particularly enjoy the food - I just can’t not know.
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- person: you're skinny
- me: well you just cured my eating disorder! HALLELUJAH!
Why is food so addicting?
Why can’t I stop eating - no matter whether I’m full or hungry or neutral or whatever? It’s never enough - I always want more more more.
How do normal people know when to stop? How do they know when enough’s enough? Eating is so hard …
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I wish I could stop
But I just can’t seem to be bothered enough. Am I going to die from bulimia just because I’m too lazy to try and recover? #stupid ways to die
+My parents are scary when they argue, lol
Me and my sister were just sitting there - me binging on my dinner - staring on blankly while my mum tried to hit my dad with a broom, their shouts getting louder and louder, more and more hysterical.
Maybe one day they will kill each other, and I won’t have to live in this blood-woven cage anymore.
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taimatsukami asked: I love reading, but can't get through a book lately. Not even HP or LOTR. Depression.
Yea, me too - I hate it. I was rereading HP and I just cbs so I just left off halfway through TGOF -_-‘
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